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From experience
Chelsea Handler started four nights for guests hosting “Jimmy Kimmel Live” on Monday night, saying “I’m here all week, or at least until Republicans make women’s conversations illegal.” ..
“Jimmy is doing everything right now. [expletive] He wants in his body. “ — Chelsea Handler
The handler dedicated her soliloquy to the Supreme Court’s Friday decision to overturn the Roe v. Wade case.
“Remember Fox News five days ago saying that the biggest threat facing the United States is drag queens? It was cute.” — Chelsea Handler
“At this point, if my vagina was an AR-15, I probably have more rights.” — Chelsea Handler
“By the way, I’m talking from all these experiences as a person who had three abortions in high school. And if that sounds extreme, let’s say I had two, because this planet is me. It’s a much safer place without getting polluted by kids. I’m fully responsible to know that alcoholics who love topless running pothead Molly don’t need any more. ” — Chelsea Handler
“Not only did this decision further divide our country, but most families now have two separate group texts, one for relatives who support women’s rights and the other for Florida. I’m a relative who lives. ” — Chelsea Handler
The most punchy punch line (Supreme Court version)
“People just want to get things done. No one cares about singing with Kente cloth or Capitol Steps, especially poetry, right? Chuck Schumer throws a fake pregnant belly to the Capitol. Kneel down and say, “We are pregnant now and are standing together.” — Trevor Noah
A bit worth seeing
“Daily Show” correspondent Michael Costa investigated a vasectomy at the show on Monday.
That we are excited on Tuesday night
Congressman Alexandria Ocasio Cortez will appear at the “Late Show” on Tuesday.
