Sisters Audrey Findlay, 75, and Barbara Rowe, 63, Every weekday starts with a phone call at 8am. About an hour later, the two go to work together at Findlay Row, a gift shop that opened 12 years ago. (They had previously worked for the same healthcare company for 13 years, with Mr. Findlay as general manager and Mr. Rowe as payroll manager.)
At 5 or 6 p.m., the sisters finish work and head home four houses away. And after dinner, they meet again for an hour-long walk, slipping briefly into what their adult children (there are nine between them) affectionately call “twin talk.”
“One of us will start a sentence rather than finish it, while the other will have already answered,” Findlay said.
As you might expect from the two of them who spend most of their time together, the sisters also have their quarrels. But they stay close and promise to be there for each other.
“Our father was an orphan and had a very strong sense of family,” Rowe said. “Sometimes you fight a knockdown or a drag, and then the next day it’s like, ‘Where are we going to dinner?’”
Over 80% of Americans Studies suggest that they grew up with at least one sibling, and that such relationships can still be beneficial in adulthood.a 2019 survey For example, a study that focused on people in their mid-sixties found that warmth between adult siblings can serve as a buffer against loneliness and help boost well-being.
There aren’t many studies on how well most adults get along with their siblings, but data from a 2015 book, Adult Siblings, co-authored with Jeffrey Greif, a professor at the University of Maryland School of Social Work, , said: I’ll give you some clues. In qualitative interviews with 262 adults, 64% said they considered themselves a “good friend” to at least one of their siblings, and 45% said at least one of their siblings was one of their best friends. I answered that I was thinking.
However, Dr. Greif said in an interview that 70% said they had ups and downs with their siblings throughout their lives, and 8% said they were never close.
“Like all family relationships, sibling relationships have a degree of ambiguity and ambiguity,” Dr. Grief said. This may seem obvious, but he believes it’s important for brothers and sisters to keep it in mind. “Impossible standards” for what a solid relationship requires.
And he and other therapists who focus on family relationships strengthen the bond between adult siblings, even if they don’t have (or want) the strong bond that Findlay and Lowe share. I believe it is possible. Here are three of his strategies that can help.
Give each other permission to change.
Nicholas Gant, 40, and his sister Gabriel Leanne, 37, have been very close since childhood — family legend says Gant taught his baby sister how to walk and talk. It is said that he taught However, during adolescence, the two became estranged. Lian said of her brother, he was a sweet, charismatic and talented singer. She said this created a “natural magnetic field” around him, making it difficult to find her voice at times.
They both attended historically black colleges and universities (HBCUs), and that experience taught them the importance of building community and helped them “recognize their need for each other,” Gant said. He and Ms. Liang spent his 20s and 30s trying to learn not only about himself, but also about his other siblings. If Mr. Gant, a singer, does a show, his sister will also participate. audience. Her brother was also there when Ms. Liang held her latest gala to mark the eight years since she survived her life-threatening blood clot.
“I feel like we’ve really met again,” Gant said. “I felt like we fell in love again as brothers.”
Liang believes their “ability to grow and love as individuals, not just blood ties,” has made them “great friends.”
It’s important to be willing to watch and accept your siblings as they grow up, says Nedra Grover Tawab, a therapist in Charlotte, North Carolina, and author of Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships. To tell.
“Sometimes there is a version of you that they remember,” said Ms. Tawab. For example, an older sibling may continue to think of a younger sibling as a “baby” even if the baby is 60 years old. “We have to allow people to evolve and not treat them like they used to,” she said.
Whitney Goodman, a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Miami, regularly asks questions like, “What are you into right now?” to get a better sense of who your siblings are. Suggested to ask. And then, “What’s going on in your life that I don’t know about?”
“I want people to come to their senses and think about how much they’ve changed and how much they’ve grown. And how do you want your brother to see me?” Goodman said. said. Then ask, “How can I give them the same grace?”
Notice how your parents influence your power relations.
The therapists interviewed for this article all pointed out that no matter how loving their parents are, they can complicate sibling bonds. Dr. Grief said it helps to ask yourself, “Am I in a ‘triangle’ with my brother and mother or father?” What he means is, have you fallen into patterns of communication with your parents that have shaped your feelings about your siblings, even if it wasn’t anyone’s intention?
To avoid this kind of interference, experts said a simple ground rule could be established. It means not talking about your siblings when talking to them or spending time with them, especially if the conversation takes the form of gossip.
You might also want to find out if parental favoritism affects your relationship with your siblings.Survey data suggests 40 percent of Americans It feels like your parents had a favorite child, and research shows that it could be the culprit. Obstacles to Sibling Intimacy.
“Studies show that parental favoritism is one of the biggest influences on how sibling relationships work, especially in early childhood,” Goodman said. “It’s the most finite resource, isn’t it? A parent’s attention. And siblings can absolutely pass that on into adulthood.”
Families shouldn’t be afraid to discuss parental favoritism, Goodman said, but admitted that such conversations are easier said than done. Adult siblings (with or without parents) can benefit from attending therapy together, even if it’s to deal with something that happened years ago, she said. Told.
Dr. Cramer said that if “people were willing to talk about this sort of thing, be honest about their perceptions, and be kind to each other,” having such direct conversations could “resolve long-standing grudges between siblings.” Agreed to help ‘repair’.
Make time to enjoy each other’s company.
As children, Ken Locicero, 54, and Ricky Locicero, 58, were best friends and roommates. As adults, they found harsh ways to spend time together. They ran 50 marathons together in 50 states and the pursuit took over 20 years.
It may be an extreme example of making time for each other. But Goodman said that sometimes siblings lose sight of the fact that their relationship, like any other, needs attention and consideration. “We tend to expect family relationships to work just because someone is related to us, but they don’t,” she says.
Siblings need to find ways to have fun together, said Laurie Kramer, an applied psychology professor at Northeastern University who runs a program that teaches young siblings strategies for getting along. “It’s really hard when it’s all about the issues one of you has, or when you’re arguing about who cares about your parent’s needs,” she says. “Find moments where you can really enjoy each other.”
Dr. Kramer added that sometimes it’s enough to pull out an old photo and reminisce for a few minutes.
The Lo Cicero brothers enjoyed race days and often took their wives and children to make the weekends worthwhile. But they equally enjoyed the time spent training and planning together. Sometimes they ran in silence. We also talked about work, marriage, and children. (The Rosicero family also has a close sister and a brother who died of pancreatic cancer 15 years ago. Their grief made their bond even stronger.)
Although the 50-marathon challenge is over, the brothers still talk on the phone, see each other every few days, and live only 7 miles apart. “Kenny will always be available, approachable, and a pleasure to talk to,” said Ricky. And he believes nothing can change that bond.
“When it comes to Ricky, I can’t help but say it out loud,” Ken said as well. He said it was a “gift” to see how committed his brother was to their relationship and to feel honest and vulnerable with each other.
