pronoun etiquette
When you’re speaking alone for the first time with a new colleague, is it okay to check to see if you’re referencing pronouns correctly if they haven’t already been spoken out?
– Anonymous
Yes, it’s okay to ask about pronouns. It shows that you are caring and compassionate, and that you recognize that there are different areas of gender. We cannot assume that how someone expresses themselves is how they identify themselves. Asking about pronouns just removes ambiguity and allows you to always refer to your co-workers in their preferred way.
limits of care
As a healthcare professional, how do you deal with homophobia and transphobia from your patients? Specifically, what strategies do you use to deal with this when firing a patient is not an option? Can I? In my case, I don’t have my own office, so I work for other people. My employer is not willing to part with the income from this patient, so the solution is to have the patient come to me on my days off. I don’t think this is ideal. Also, what are my rights here?
– Anonymous
The employer’s solution is less than ideal. Unfortunately, when it comes to dealing with prejudice, few options are ideal. Patients can choose medical institutions according to their wishes. I don’t know if there’s a remedy, but I’d like to ask a medical professional to look into it.
I know many healthcare professionals from various backgrounds deal with patient bias. It is a major cause of healthcare worker burnout. Patients may come to the hospital on holidays, but it would be better for employers to have a principle and refuse to do business with obstinate people.
They must ensure that you work in an environment that values your safety and does not tolerate discrimination of any kind. I need to decide if I can continue to work at this clinic under these circumstances. If you can’t do that, it’s time to look for a new job. We wish you all the best.
How much is too much?
I used to identify as a cis woman, but I came out as nonbinary/genderqueer at work last year, and my pronouns in staff meetings are now her/her and them/them. shared that it is. I told the team that I like to be called them, but “she can be her”. Everyone was positive, but I hadn’t heard or read my colleagues using them to refer to me in the months since. That started bothering me. I hope they affirm my they/them pronouns at least sometimes, it helps me feel seen and known.
Am I putting too much strain on my co-workers by not firmly demanding that they use me all the time? and sometimes require them to use them/them is overkill?
– Anonymous
Don’t make things too difficult for your co-workers by asking them to respect your pronouns. When you shared your pronouns and said, “She’s fine too,” your coworkers took your word for it. They use what is most comfortable for them, not what is most comfortable for you.
If you want to be affirmed as them/them, you need to be clear about your preferences without presenting her/her options. In an ideal world, people would make a conscious effort to use both sets of pronouns on a regular basis. It’s not an exaggerated question, but it might be too much to expect given different attitudes towards gender identity and familiar workplaces.
Write to Roxanne Gay at the following address: workfriend@nytimes.com.
